How to Have Conversations with Children About Death ?

When faced with a recent death, children experience feelings of sadness and anxiety just as adults do. Although children experience a spectrum of grief, they may not have the right words to express their feelings. And they’re likely to have many questions when people die. Therefore as adults, we need to convey honest and simple information about death to children. This is important in helping them understand, name, and cope with their feelings. So, here are several ways on how to have conversations about death with children:

Acknowledge the various developmental stages of understanding

According to the Child Development Institute, acknowledging the different developmental stages of understanding helps us provide information appropriate to our children’s level of knowledge.

Preschool children tend to see death as reversible and temporary. This is because much of the cartoons and stories they watch have characters rising alive again after being dead. Hence, we need to acknowledge that they may apply the same concept to reality.

Children between the ages five and nine will start to understand that living things eventually die and that death is final. However, they might not be able to relate it to themselves and assume that they can escape it. They might also begin to question concepts of afterlife.

From ages nine to adolescence, children begin to grasp the concept of irreversible death and that it applies to themselves as well.

Inform immediately, explain steadily

When a loved one or close family member has passed, it's ideal to inform children as soon as you can. Children often know more than we think, and they may feel confused if adults try to keep them under the radar.

If it’s too overwhelming to do so yourself, you may ask a partner or close family member to be with you when you talk to them. However, since children process information in bits and pieces, you don’t have to explain everything in one sitting. Adjust your pace while your child and yourself included, process and internalize the situation.

Explain truthfully

It’s important to be straightforward when it comes to explaining the concept of death to kids. Especially with younger children who struggle to understand the permanence of death. Resorting to euphemisms may complicate matters and often confuse children even more. For example, children may translate the phrase “They’re just going into a very deep sleep” to “If they went to sleep and they’re not going to wake up, does it mean I might die when I go to sleep at night?”.

Instead, you can describe what exactly happens to our bodies and what it really means. Phrases such as “People die when their hearts stop beating and when their body stops working. This usually happens when somebody is very old or very sick.”

Address questions openly

Children will experience unnecessary anxiety if adults constantly avoid addressing questions about death. Rather than disregard their questions, take this opportunity to build trust by responding to their concerns. Here are some common questions asked and how to respond to them:

i. Why did they die?

When children are trying to make sense of death, it normal that they might want to know what caused it.

Example response: “Grandma’s heart has gotten old and stopped working properly. The doctors tried their best to fix it but grandma was too sick.”

ii. Will we all die too?

Your child might start to realize that the people they love, and themselves, could die. Hence, it’s good to let them know that most people die when they’re really old and/or are very sick.

Example response: “At some point of our lives, we will all die. But most people die when they’re really old and very sick. Strong and healthy people like you and I still have a long and full life to live.”

iii. What happens when we die?

Answering this depends on your family’s religious or spiritual beliefs. Many people find comfort by giving children something to focus on when thinking about the person who has died.

Whatever you tell your child, it’s helpful if it comforts you too. This way, your child can sense that you find it reassuring yourself.

Remind them of their support system

Upon explaining the death of a loved one to children, reassure them that there are many people that still care for them. In addition to bereavement, they may experience feelings of abandonment or loneliness. This can be destabilizing for them, especially if it’s the death of someone significant to the child. Therefore, its essential to remind them of other family members, friends, and even yourself, who will always be there to support them.

Embrace your own grief

We should never teach children to associate sadness with signs of weakness. If you’re a grieving adult yourself, know that it’s okay for your children to see that you’re sad. It’s a good idea to explain how you feel. For example, “I’m crying because I feel sad that grandpa is gone now, and I loved him very much.” It might also be beneficial for you to talk to a trusted friend or family member about your grief.


Summary

Many adults tend to avoid discussing death with children, more so if you’re a grieving adult yourself. However, it is our responsibility to ensure our kids feel safe discussing death because it is an inevitable part of life. Although parenting a child through death requires patience and persistence, showing our willingness to discuss the topic will make it easier for our children to share their concerns. Only then can we equip them with the right information, be there when they feel anxiety, and prepare them for times of crisis.